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paranoidmexican

The Metal Princess

There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castle, guarded by a dragon. Here is the end of the story with different kinds of metalheads as knights.

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f***s her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f***s the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave... without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, f***s the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f***s the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f***s the princess and kills her. Then he f***s the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f***s the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f***s it for the last time.

* GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

* SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

* CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, 'sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage'.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

* EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

* GRUNGE
The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other mosha's due to the over consumption of white cider.

* POP-PUNK
The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't f*** him either, because he likes ska.
XBurner

What makes it more funny, imagine specific bands/vocalists playing that scenario out.

The NuMetal one, I immediately thought of David Draiman.
The Wicked One

who made this? this is really funny.
Guest

you just can't not to love NuMetal
XBurner

I like a little of everything... "nu metal" is what got me into other genre's of metal.

That and Industrial. Mmmff... there's just something erotic about techno beats mixed with metalesque guitar work and a dude unleashing hell through his screams. It's all good for me. =)
Voice of Dissent

since when do some of those last ones qualify as "metalheads"

I mean hell I'm not a metalhead in that i like everything except popular music like "alternative" Rock, Punk, emo, Pop, and overplayed classic rock but those last three are straight posers (with the exception of emos who are gay posers; lol)
ICEDFAN

what got me laughting was thinking of someone of Manowar or Hammerfall playing out the Power Metal senario
Aggelos Poneros

I'm the metal princess and I want somebody who's heavy metal!
Set Abominae

I could definitely see Till Lindemann of Rammstein pulling off the Industrial Metal scenario.
Aggelos Poneros

hey, where's love metal?!?
I like love metal Smile
The Wicked One

Thats in alot of the genres, mostly glam though.
Tainted Innocence

love metal?
haha!
nice.
The Sexiest Metalhead

This is great lol.
Aggelos Poneros

Tainted Innocence wrote:
love metal?
haha!
nice.


Razz
what?
love metal is okay...
Tainted Innocence

i honestly didnt know there was such a thing! XD
The Sexiest Metalhead

Aggelos Poneros wrote:
Tainted Innocence wrote:
love metal?
haha!
nice.


Razz
what?
love metal is okay...


Love metal sounds like something I wouldn't listen to...
Dante

Quote:
Love metal sounds like something I wouldn't listen to...


haha now i know exactly what it sounds like Wink

But seriously it's HIM-music (EMO=SUX)
I hate such music...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_Metal
paranoidmexican

be nice!
The Sexiest Metalhead

I'll have to agree with Danye, lame.
The Wicked One

well not to sound sexist but hey no matter what there are chics who will still want to hear the mushy stuff.
hell i do too and i a very heterosexual dude, but i have classic rock and glam for that.
Aggelos Poneros

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QC4gLhlb00

don't watch. just listen.
The Wicked One

23 seconds were pretty badass, but then it fell apart for me. Its almost like Franz Ferdinand trying to be metal. not a knock at all but I like Franz Ferdinad in a rock setting.

and unfortunately i did have to watch because i had to move it to hit pause and overdid it.
 Shocked
Tainted Innocence

lazy much?
The Wicked One

Tainted Innocence wrote:
lazy much?


no just a mouse with dying batteries Sad
Tainted Innocence

funnn,
why not get one with a cord?
The Wicked One

cus cords get chewed on by cats
Tainted Innocence

oh...
The Wicked One

exactly
Tainted Innocence

get new batteries? haha.
The Wicked One

did already but it cannot prevent what has been done.
unless you have batteries that can go back in time......

MY EYES!!!!!!

lol
Tainted Innocence

that
would be
AWSOME!!!!!!!!
The Wicked One

that it would
Tainted Innocence

if time travel was possible would it loop its self?
The Wicked One

Tainted Innocence wrote:
if time travel was possible would it loop its self?


back to future covers it well enough
Dante

I've always wondered if you could change the future by going back in time...
You shouldn't since it already has happened once, but my tech-teacher is sure that you can?!?
What do you think?
The Wicked One

well if you change the past then the future you knew that was based on the old past  would no longer exist.

like i said back to the future covers it.
Tainted Innocence

very true indeed,
because for instance sayyy
somebody came over to your house and raped your dog (metal enough for this forum?) if you went back into time and like stalled the guy long enough for say your parents to walk outside and take the dog in then you changed the future/past
you get it?
Set Abominae

Dante wrote:
I've always wondered if you could change the future by going back in time...
You shouldn't since it already has happened once, but my tech-teacher is sure that you can?!?
What do you think?


Well think about it - if I went back in time and killed Mr. Nathan Gale before that Pantera concert, wouldn't Mr. Dimebag Darrell be alive?

That's the only reason why I'd go back in time.
The Wicked One

why not prevent Randy from dieing, or cliff or steve and god knows how many other musicians
Tainted Innocence

very true my brother,
if it indeed was possible i would be saving all kinds of lives.
Set Abominae

The Wicked One wrote:
why not prevent Randy from dieing, or cliff or steve and god knows how many other musicians


True, true, I forgot about Cliff and Randy. How could I forget about Cliff?!

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